How do I tell her that I feel lost? How do I tell her that nothing in my life makes sense? Why was I even placed in this world to begin with? I’ve lost the energy and will to do anything because I feel like nothing matters anymore.
“I just want to be alone, Mom,” I reply. “There are things I need to work out.”
I didn’t want to tell her that I’m struggling with everything, including my identity. She will just circle it back to Rowan and tell me to move on and leave the past behind. I know I should, but it’s hard to leave the past behind when you’ve held on to it for so long. It is hard to let it go when you let it become. anchor.
“I know. I know that things aren’t easy for you, but I promise, when you give yourself a chance, everything will fall into place and you’ll find your happiness.” She pulls me into her arms, and I lay on her shoulder as tears fall down my cheeks.
“I just don’t know what to do, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy, not that I’ve been happy these past few years. I was faking it most of the time.”
“You say you don’t know what to do? How about you start by righting your wrongs? Maybe that will give you the peace you clearly need.”
My hands clench, and my nails dig into the skin of my palm before I let go. I wanted to argue with her, but I know she’s right. Maybe that will give me a new purpose in life.
“Thank you, Mom.”
“I know I’ve been hard on you these past few months, but I need you to know that I was pushing you for your own sake,” she says, rubbing my back in a comforting way, like she used to do when I was younger.
Mom gives me a kiss on the forehead before detangling herself from me and then standing up.
“Alright then, I’ll let you get some rest, and please remember to shower. It will make you feel better; trust me.”
I nod, and she leaves. Closing the door behind her. I sit there for a while, staring off into nothing. Thoughts are flashing through my mind, and it’s hard for me to focus on any of them.
Feeling like I was going to lose my freaking mind, I stand up and rush to my closet, almost tripping in the process. I fling the doors open and dig up a pair of sweat pants, a camisole, and a hoodie. I throw them on quickly before taking my car keys and leaving my room.
I hear Mom calling my name as I run out of the house, but I don’t turn back. I just want to be
will just remind me of the days Rowan and I spent there.
It will remind me of the movie nights and dinners. He never slept over, but the few hours he was there felt like heaven.
Pushing those memories away, I make a mental note to have my real estate agent put it up for
I jump into my Audi and drive off. I had no final destination. I just wanted to clear my head
and drive around.
The scenery flashes by, but I don’t pay any attention. My head is a mess, and my heart and soul are in turmoil. I wish I could make the pain go away. I wish I could pull myself together. I just fucking wish that I could heal my wounds and move on, but I don’t know how to do any of
I don’t know for how long I was driving when I came to a stop. I survey the street in confusion, wondering where the hell I was. I look to my left, and a gasp leaves my mouth. I’d ended up right outside Calvin’s house.