- Still hurts
“I still can’t believe that Ava is a Howell” Travis says as we enter our parent’s home.
I was having a hard time with the news myself. Everything seemed so surreal. Like I couldn’t for the love of me believe everything that has been revealed.
“I know right?” I mutter.
I thought I had an advantage against her. Finding out she was adopted was the best feeling ever. After Ethan told us that her parents were actually rich, every happy feeling was destroyed. I wanted her to come from a poor background. It would have given me an advantage over her even if she was rich right now.
If she had come from a poor family then I would always be better than her. Superior to her in a
way. The way our society works is that, you’re respected more if you family has connection. If
your family has roots and comes from a long line of money. You may be rich and they will respect that, but you’ll be respected more if you come from a wealthy family. 3
I had hoped that would be the case when Ethan told us she’s adopted. I thought that maybe her parent’s couldn’t afford to raise her or maybe they were junkies and they decided to put her up for adoption. It would have been a big mark against her in our social circle and I would have been
there to see them whisper and gossip about her.
The jokes on me though. The Howell’s may not live in our city, but they’re known. Just like Rowan’s family, they are really powerful and they run this country. If they announce that Ava is their daughter. Her social standing will go up. She’ll be above me in every way. Worse than that, she’ll be in the same standing level as Rowan. 3
“What are we going to do though? How are we going to get her to forgive us?” Travis asks breaking the silence and pulling me from my thoughts.
Was he fucking seriously right now? Why the fuck would I want her damn forgiveness? She’s the one who should be asking for forgiveness. Begging me to forgive her for what she did to me.
“Why would we want her forgiveness?” I ask him bitterly. “Have you forgotten what she did to me?”
“I know and I remember, but like her parents said, it’s in the past. She has already paid enough for her mistake, besides we learned that she was truly drunk”
I’d heard about that, but I didn’t believe it. I refused to believe it. Ava had wanted Rowan for years, there is just no way that everything is a fucking coincidence. Even if she was drunk she still probably planned the whole damn thing.
“I will never forgive her Travis” I tell him firmly and angrily.
It’s something I decided a long time ago. I wasn’t going to let go of the bitterness anytime soon.
“Emma please, she’s our sister. You have to let go of the past. You have to heal, Emma. Holding on to all that pain and anger isn’t good for you” he tells me softly, coming to stand next to me.
“How many times will I tell you that I will never forgive her? Gosh Travis, I even wish that the bastard that Ethan had hired to kill her had done it before Ethan arrived to save her” I scream at
Without waiting for a reply from him I storm upstairs completely pissed off. I get to my room and slam the door in anger. Why couldn’t they understand that this isn’t easy for me? Why couldn’t they understand that it was hard for me to move on?
It still fucking hurts. Every day I wake up then go to sleep, the pain is still there. I breathe it in
then out. It has become a part of me. Meshed its–self deep inside me that I don’t know how to live
without it. 2
I know it’s toxic. I know it’s destroying me, but I just don’t know how to let go of it. I don’t know
how to stop myself from hating Ava. She took everything from me. All I ever wanted was Rowan
and she took him from me. 4
I planned my life around him, so sure that we would end up together and she took that future
Even now, when I came back and I was sure that things were looking up with Rowan, she had to
go and ruin it. Rowan now barely pays any attention to me. Since that day at the dinner party he
hasn’t called or checked up on me. ↑
His focus has been completely on Ava. It makes me hate her more because once again, she’s
taking him fromme. I didn’t want to admit it, but things have changed. Rowan isn’t the same boy
that fell I love with me. 4
He may not know it, but I can tell. He has some feelings for Ava. I don’t know exactly what he feels
for her, but the feelings are there. My biggest fear is that he’s in love with her. I don’t know what I
will do if that is true. It would really break my heart if that’s the case.
Taking out my phone, I call my best friend.
“Hi love” Molly answers on the first ring.
1 collapse on my bed as I fight back my tears. “Everything is falling apart Molly. I don’t know what to do”
I felt drained. Tired. Everything was so exhausting and I felt like I was carrying this huge burden on my shoulders.
“Why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you, then we can work from there” she asks.
I proceed to tell her everything. Every single damn thing that has happened since our last talk. Just going over it again brings a sharp pain to my heart. I don’t want to imagine living life with Rowan. I know we hadn’t talked for nine years, but the moment we decided to try, things just felt right. That’s before once again Ava came between us.
“Listen, Emma, I have to agree with Ava” she starts to say.
A frown forms on my face. “You what?”
“Just listen. I’m not Ava’s biggest fan, but when you threatened her son, you crossed the line. Not to mention all the stupid lies you told Rowan. This isn’t like you Emma, using such disgusting tricks to get Rowan to believe you. Those won’t work, in fact, they may just push him further
away.” she says in one breath.
“But…” she cuts me off.
“Second, from what I can tell, none of this is Ava fault. She seems to have backed off. I would have
if the man I was married to for nine years was still in love with my sister. Point is, the problem
lies with Rowan, he’s either confused about his feelings or he’s oblivious to them when it comes to
Ava” she pauses then continues.
That is something I didn’t want to hear. Pain pierces my heart when I think that Rowan may feel
something for Ava.
“Third, you have to heal. As long as you want Rowan then Ava will always be in the picture
because of Noah. It’s not healthy for Rowan and Noah to have both of you fighting all the damn
time. It will be draining and if it affects Noah, then Rowan will probably walk away from you”
I hear what she’s saying, but it doesn’t register. I don’t ever see Ava and I making peace with each
other because when I look at her all I see is that day when Rowan told me that he had slept with
I mean damn it, we never had sex because I was waiting for a perfect time but yet he slept with my sister. That is what I can’t get over. The fact that Ava knows how Rowan feels, but I don’t and I
was his girlfriend long before.
“Lastly Emma, you need to come clean” Molly says pulling me back to the present.
“Why would I do that?” I whisper, afraid of my secret getting out.
“Because it’s time to own up Emma and take responsibility, deep down you know that you’re not
being fair to him. Think about it.” she sighs is frustration.
She’s been telling me this for years, but I’ve been pushing it to the sidelines. Maybe she’s right, but I’m not ready yet. I will hold on to my secret for just a little bit longer. I don’t want to deal with
the disappointment that it will surely bring.
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