- Nothing to give
I fix my hoodie so that I can look presentable instead of looking like I had a one on one with death.
“Why are you wearing a beanie, mommy” Noah looks at me suspiciously.
We were skyping after I had postponed it so many times. Mainly because I could barely keep my
eyes open for longer than five minutes. Today though, I was feeling much better
I leaned back against my headboard. The beanie was to hide the bandage. Noah still didn’t know
what happened to me and I would make sure he never does.
“It’s a bit cold and I’m feeling a bit chilly” I lie.
I feel guilty for lying to him, but I know it’s for the best. There was no need of worrying him.
“We have a heater mom, you could’ve just turned it on”
“It’s not working and I forgot to get someone to fix it”
Damn it, I hate lying to him. A part of me felt like I was being a terrible mother because it seems. I’ve done nothing but lie to him since father died. The other part though, understands that it’s
“Okay then” he mumbles skeptically.
“So what did you do today?” I ask changing the subject.
Anything that he does excites me even though I’m not there to enjoy it with him. His happiness was my own and I would protect it at all cost.
The frown he had seconds ago transforms into a big smile.
“I saw dolphins today, I even swam with them…it was so fun!!” he shouts, his excitement contagious.
“I wish I was there to see you”
“Don’t worry mommy, grandma took a video. She said she’ll send it to you”
I nod my head at that. I had accepted the phone Rowan got me. Turns out he did more than buy me a new phone. He even replaced my sim card.
I’ve tried–avoiding Rowan as best as I can. He calls sometimes to check up on how I’m doing. I try to keep those calls short and impersonal. Like I said, I wanted to live in peace and Rowan meddling in my life would make sure I had anything but peace. Especially if Emma is involved.
“Mommy, why was Emma at dad’s house?” his unexpected question pulls me back to the present.
“What do you mean?”
“I skyped dad yesterday and she was there sitting so close to him and holding his hand…I didn’t
like it” the frown that was so like his father’s was now back in place. (1
I want to pretend that those words don’t hurt but deep down they still do. Knowing that Rowan was already playing house with her brings back the pain I’ve tried so hard to hide.
Why is it that we always fool ourselves into thinking we’ve moved on? Then the moment we’re hit by a trigger all that pretense crumbles and the pain is a hundred times worse.
“I don’t know, my love. You’re going to have to ask your dad” I mumble, trying to hide how shaky my voice is and how affected I am by his words.
I wasn’t going to explain things to Noah. Rowan saw it fit to flaunt his relationship with Emma in front of our son, so he’ll be the one to explain things to him.
“I want you and dad back together. So we can be a family again” he is sad and it breaks my already broken heart.
“Noah, you have to understand that your father and I are just too different to stay together”
We pretended in front of Noah. Trying to give him the illusion that we loved each other. That we were okay. It was all a sham though. Rowan could barely stand me, but Noah never caught on
Thinking back, I wish I had refused him when he said we should get married after I accidentally got pregnant. I was naïve back then. Thinking that I could make him love me. That it would only be a matter of time until he was in love with me like I was with him. He never did though.
He locked his heart and the keys were with Emma. Even when we were intimate, it meant nothing to him. It was a biological process. While my feelings were involved, his weren’t. We never made love because he didn’t love me. What we did was fucking and even then he was careful not to get me pregnant. Not to make the same mistake twice.
“Don’t you love him?” Noah asks the same question he demanded of his father a couple of weeks
I want to lie to him but I’ve done enough of that.
“I do, but sometimes loving someone isn’t enough. You won’t understand it now but one day, when you’re older, you will” it’s the only response I can master.
I hope to God he never has to go through what I’m going through. I want him to love and be loved. As much as I hate to say this, I hope one day he gets the kind of love Rowan and Emma have. One that has stood the test of time and it’s still burning bright. I pray that one day I’ll also find that kind of love. 1
A knock on my open door makes me look up.
“There’s someone here to see you, Ava” Lydia said.
I’d finally gotten her to call me by my name instead of Miss or Madam. I am thankful that Letty convinced me to let her stay because, she’s been such a huge help. She even does some of the
chores for me. I don’t know how I would have survived without her.
“Who is that, mommy?”
I tell her to let whoever it is in before I turn to my precious son.
“It’s a nice lady called Lydia. She’s here to help me with chores” I answer him. My mind on who had come to visit.
If my guess was correct then it is either Letty or Ethan. Both have stopped by a couple of times to check up on me.
“Why do you need help? You’ve never needed it before, you’re super Mom” he looks at me suspiciously.
He was right of course. I always did everything by myself. Even when I lived at Rowan’s mansion. I thought it would make him see me in a different light. That he would see that I am not as spoiled as Emma who couldn’t even boil water. That it would be a point against Emma.
How wrong was I. It didn’t fucking matter to him. I was so st* pid to think that he would stop hating me a little less if I made sure that all his meals were home cooked. That I could take care of my family and home and still be a working woman.
“Mommy?” he calls out.
I know that he wanted answers, but I’m saved from that when Travis walks in to my room. He was the last person I wanted to talk to, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t use him as a scapegoat.
“Noah, I’ll call you back…you uncle just arrived and I need to talk to him”
He sighs. “Okay then mommy”
We say our goodbyes and he signs off. The moment he does, my smile slips from my face.
“I thought I told you, I never want to see you again” I school my features. Blocking out all my
He shifts nervously from foot to foot. “You’re my sister, I wanted to see how you’re doing”
I laugh humorlessly. “Sister? Are you sure, Travis, because as far as I remember I haven’t been
your sister for the past nine years… Hell, it’s been longer than that if we’re being honest. In your eyes you had one sister and you never failed to remind me of that little fact”
It still fucking hurts. Being rejected not only by your husband and in–laws but also your very own
family. Rejection hurts like a mother–fucker and I’ve had enough of that to last me a lifetime.
I cut him off. I don’t want to listen to what he has to say.
“I’ve stayed away from your sister and the love of her life like you asked me, now I’m asking you to reciprocate, stay away from me and we won’t have a problem.”
I raise my hand. “I’ll have to stop your there. You, mother and Emma are family. I’m not part of it, I’ve never been part of it and you’ve all made sure I knew that, time and time again”
It pains me to say those words but we both knew they were true. They excluded me in everything
and made me feel like I was nothing but an outsider.
“You gave Letty a chance, why can’t you give us too?” he asks angrily, his temper flaring.
“Letty has been nothing but nice to me. Unlike all of you, she hasn’t treated me like shit for the
mistake I made when I was eighteen and st* pidly in love with someone I failed to see would never
love me back”
Scarlet told me that she knew the truth. That Travis opened up to her when their relationship
became serious and after she noticed I was excluded to some family dinners and get together. 2
“Please leave, Travis, and don’t come back. In fact consider me dead and forget you ever had a
sister named Ava”
With that I turn and lay down on bed. Facing away from him. He’s quiet for a while, then I hear his
footsteps as he walks away.
I can’t help the tears that hit my pillow. He wanted too much from me. I gave them my all. I loved. them even when they were nothing but hateful towards me. I continued hoping and praying Pouring out my love to them, thinking that one day they would reciprocate and treat me as one of
their own. Instead they trampled over that love and destroyed my heart over and over again.
Now he wants to be a part of my life but doesn’t he realize it’s too late? They shattered me to pieces and now I had nothing to give them. I was emptied when it came to them”